All of Your Stars
by S.E. Mellark
Summary: "There's always a reason with Haru, Makoto knows, whether anyone manages to figure it out or not. He's learned to wait over the years, because Haru will come to Makoto when he needs him and not before. It's something Makoto has come to accept, but he'll never stop hoping that Haru will come to him before everything falls apart and not after."


_Author's Note:_ I just have a lot of feelings about today's episode.

* * *

Their hotel room is pitch black when Makoto uses his card key to open the door.

Nagisa's and Rei's receding voices keep a small part of Makoto's attention back in the hall. They're worried, he knows, but no amount of wibbling, puppy-dog stares from Nagisa was going to change his mind about the fact that the last thing Haru needed was his entire team hounding him over his breakdown earlier.

The door to the bathroom is wide open, and while Makoto's eyes adjust to the darkness, he stares hard into the small quarters. He can hear that the sink is on and the shower as well, but something tells him that Haru isn't in there. His suspicions are confirmed when he moves further into the room and sees the deathly-still lump underneath the covers on Haru's bed.

There's been a constant burn behind Makoto's eyes ever since he, Nagisa, and Rei walked in on Haru shouting at Rin after his race, and the green-eyed swimmer thinks he's done a pretty good job of hiding it from everyone. But the sensation threatens to overcome him as he continues to stare at his best friend's hidden form.

For once, Makoto doesn't know what to do, isn't sure what Haru wants. Haru disappeared after reassuring them that he would still swim the relay tomorrow, though Makoto has the sense that swimming, for the first time in… _ever, _is the last thing Haru wants to do. Not with all that pressure, and _especially _not when all those scouts are watching him.

Makoto opens his mouth, inhales, prepares to speak out into the darkness, but all he manages is a shuddering breath that he cuts off almost as soon as it begins. Haru doesn't move, and a frown threatens to take over Makoto's face, though he fights it off, as he's been doing for most of the day.

He sits down at the bottom edge of his own bed as quietly as he can manage, bending over to take off his shoes and socks and then awkwardly shimmy out of his sweatpants. Makoto fumbles around, trying to get dressed for bed in the dark, and it's something Haru would normally poke fun at him for in his deadpan sort of way.

Save for the multiple sources of running water in the bathroom, however, everything remains silent, and Makoto is painfully aware of that.

He's settled down for sleep in a matter of minutes, relaxing back into his mattress and pillows. These beds are so much more comfortable than the ones at the last hotel they stayed at, though Makoto can't seem to enjoy it as he had the previous night. Rather than worry about the implications behind his sudden change in perception, Makoto rolls over so his back is to Haru and tries to go to sleep.

It feels like only a matter of minutes before Makoto gradually wakes, momentarily confused by the feel of the mattress dipping behind him. Even when realization dawns on him, he still doesn't move, not wanting to send Haru scuttling back to his own bed like a cornered animal, hackles raised and teeth bared.

Rin saw that side of Haru earlier, and while Makoto only witnessed the finale of what was sure to have been a confrontation a long time in the making, he never wants to see his best friend so distraught ever again.

Haru finally settles, and Makoto stares hard at the wall, contemplating his next move. From the telltale press of miscellaneous body parts against his own back, Makoto imagines that Haru is curled up in a semi-fetal position, as close as he can possibly get while under the assumption that Makoto is fast asleep.

A palm is pressed gently against Makoto's back, directly between his shoulder blades. After a few moments, the digits of Haru's hand curl, clutching at the fabric of Makoto's t-shirt.

Makoto can't take it anymore. He turns – slowly so that Haru has enough time to move his hand away – and lifts his right arm, allowing Haru to scoot further into him. Haru is slow, almost gentle, with his movements, but once he's decided on a course of action, he clutches at Makoto with such strength and force that it takes the larger man's breath away.

Haru ducks his head down, pressing his face to Makoto's chest and linking his arms together behind Makoto's back. If Makoto hadn't been focusing so intently on the person in his arms, he might have missed the strangled noise that Haru must have been trying to hide in Makoto's shirt, as if the worn fabric would soak it up like a sponge.

"Oh, Haru." Makoto murmurs, squeezing his friend's body with more force when Haru's own grip tightens at the sound of his voice. He thinks about walking down the hall at the stadium with Nagisa and Rei, hearing Haru's voice, loud and strained, shouting about a future and a dream that Haru apparently doesn't think he has. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"You already have enough on your mind."

"That doesn't mean I wouldn't have listened to you." Makoto says forcefully, hiking one leg up and over Haru's hips while the other slides between his thighs. He's not searching for anything, just wants to offer whatever comfort he can, and Haru thankfully doesn't fight him. If anything, the straining tension in his body only dissipates. "Whatever you have to say, whenever you want to tell me, I'll _always _listen."

Haru shakes his head slowly, though Makoto can't tell if his friend is disagreeing with him or is just trying to burrow further into his chest. "I felt like I was drowning." He whispers, and the burning behind Makoto's eyes finally erupts as hot tears slide from the corners of his eyes. "The water – I couldn't – "

"It's okay." Makoto shushes Haru as the smaller swimmer sniffles slightly in his arms. "You don't have to explain. Whatever happened earlier… we know you couldn't help it. We don't blame you."

"Rin does."

"He just wants to help." Makoto will definitely be having a word with Samezuka's captain once everything settles down, but that's another issue entirely. "He knows how much swimming means to you. If you get scouted, you could keep doing it even after we leave school."

Haru doesn't say anything for a while, but his body remains the slightest bit tense, so Makoto knows he isn't asleep. "You didn't turn off the sink or the shower."

Makoto smiles into the darkness, pressing the side of his face into his pillow to wipe off some of his tears. "I figured you kept them on for a reason."

There's always a reason with Haru, Makoto knows, whether anyone manages to figure it out or not. He's learned to wait over the years, because Haru will come to Makoto when he needs him and not before. It's something Makoto has come to accept, but he'll never stop hoping that Haru will come to him _before_ everything falls apart and not after.

Because Makoto loves Haru, more than should be conceivably possible. He always has and always will, and he desperately hopes Haru knows that, if he'd been closer, Makoto would have come to pull him from the pool when the water he so loved started closing in on him.

"What you said," Haru begins, and Makoto strains to listen, "about Rin wanting to help. I know he does. And I'm glad. But I don't want to be scouted. I just want to swim for me. I want to swim for the team, for _us._"

"I know, Haru." Makoto says. He wants to say more, wants to tell Haru that he does have a future, an impossibly bright one where the possibilities are as numerous as the stars in the sky, but he knows that isn't what Haru needs right now.

What Haru needs is the sound of running water coming from the bathroom and the presence of someone who understands and won't shout at him to perform, who won't make him choose, who will let him run away.

And Makoto also knows that he's the only one who can give that to him, so he stays quiet and lets Haru's tears dampen his shirt until the blue-eyed swimmer stops shaking.


End file.
